Take care.

On his way home from work, Herman Mehlman bought a cactus. Upon arriving home, he placed it in a planter-box hanging from the railing of his balcony.

He fondly decided to call it Steve.

Before he got Steve, he had adopted a sequence of three cats; Peter, Paul, and Mary; each of whom had met their unfortunate fates while trying to catch butterflies on Herman's balcony.

Except for Mary.

Mary had been trying to catch a dragonfly.

Herman, depressed by the passing of Mary the night before, had decided to buy the cactus, because in his depressed state, he thought that a cactus might be the only living organism he could actually take care of.

He was wrong.


Herman was employed by the United States Postal Service as a postal carrier. He was proud of his job. He knew it wasn't the most glamourous job in the world, but it gave him a sense of purpose. It made him feel like an integral part of society, in a way in which he never quite felt he "fit-in" before.

That night, while Herman settled down to a night of popcorn and a marathon of James Gandolfini's hit new reality series, "Tony Soprano's: Who's the Boss Now?", he began to think, as he often did, about his life, and how he would kill himself.

However, tonight he was distracted. Earlier that day, while on his route, Herman Mehlman had actually met a woman.

When Julianne Schlesinger opened her front door to accept the mail that Herman was delivering, two of her cats escaped. They seemed to take a liking to Herman.

Herman thought they had sensed his emotional distress over having lost three cats in the past month, but in actuality they were just attracted to the remnants of Mary's scent. She had been in heat when she died.

However, Julianne, being somewhat superstitious, and unable to discern the scent, came to a somewhat different conclusion.

Much to Herman's surprise, he and Julianne "hit it off", and she invited him to a party that she would be attending that weekend.

Herman nervously accepted. He wasn't sure if she had invited him as a date or not.


The weekend came.

Julianne picked him up on her way to the party, but another man was driving her car.

She introduced him as "Tony."

When they got to the party, Julianne told Herman to "Relax, have a good time. Mingle." Then she and Tony rushed off to congratulate the hosts on the excellence of their party.


Herman hated mingling.

Whenever he introduced himself, people invariably asked him what he "did". And when he told them he was a postal carrier, they invariably mocked him for being a "mailman" named Mehlman.

Especially at parties. When he tried to talk to people at parties they were usually drinking, and if they were, they would never stop making fun of him.

Herman was pretty sure they even made fun of him after he left.

After a perfunctory (and failed) attempt at mingling, he decided to leave. He didn't even tell Julianne.

On his way home he stopped at his favourite bar.

It was his favourite bar because nobody there knew his name. Or what he "did".

He sat at his usual table in the corner, and had a few drinks.

When he got home he went out onto his balcony to water his new cactus, Steve. In his drunken stupor he accidentally knocked Steve off his balcony with his watering can, and sent it plummeting to the ground twelve stories below.


The next morning Herman went to the supermarket and bought 16 apricots.

He was allergic to stone fruits, but that didn't matter anymore.

He removed the pits, cracked them open with a hammer, and ate the seeds.

He died of cyanide poisoning within a few hours.